In Front of My Eyes

This was taken from my REVEAL journal, from earlier this summer. I wrote it, still in the car, after witnessing this scene.

6-25-08

I just stood in line, 2 people behind a lady at Walgreen's. The total amount of her purchases was $48.87. The items that she purchased were:

* 2 small cans of Spanish peanuts

* 2 bottles of fingernail polish

* a pile of assorted types of Dove chocolate

While the girl was scanning her items, she asked the woman how she was doing today.

It was only then that I really looked at her and noticed that the woman was having difficutly breathing, was using a walker and was morbidly obese.

She had a pained, almost panicked expression on her face as she gasped, "Oh, I'm having trouble walking today, Honey."

A pitiful nod from the cashier as she filled her bags with chocolate.

As I walked out to my car, I noticed that the woman was just then putting her folded walker in the rear seat of her oversized vehicle that was parked in the first handicapped spot. Sweat was rolling down her face as she heaved the door closed. As I passed her, I heard what I can only describe as something between wheezing and a soft crying sound coming from deep inside her.

I can't help but immediately write this in my journal. I cannot forget it. I MUST NOT forget!

The woman is a slave. She is a SLAVE, and she serves a cruel master. A master that could care LESS that she is DYING!

It makes me think about those people I have seen, when visiting at hopsitals... those people that have been asked to be wheeled out by volunteers, who stand shivering next to their wheelchairs... waiting patiently while they smoke... in spite of the oxygen tubes in their noses.

What are we DOING to ourselves? and how can we be so BLIND to it?

This will not be pretty.

The folly of men.

Isaiah 44:14b – 20

14b He (a man) plants a fir, and the rain makes it grow.
15 Then it becomes something for a man to burn, so he takes one of them and warms himself; he also makes a fire to bake bread. He also makes a god and worships it; he makes it a graven image and falls down before it.
16 Half of it he burns in the fire; over this half he eats meat as he roasts a roast and is satisfied. He also warms himself and says, "Aha! I am warm, I have seen the fire."
17 But the rest of it he makes into a god, his graven image He falls down before it and worships; he also prays to it and says, "Deliver me, for you are my god."
18 They do not know, nor do they understand, for He has smeared over their eyes so that they cannot see and their hearts so that they cannot comprehend.
19 No one recalls, nor is there knowledge or understanding to say, "I have burned half of it in the fire and also have baked bread over its coals I roast meat and eat it then I make the rest of it into an abomination, I fall down before a block of wood!"
20 He feeds on ashes; a deceived heart has turned him aside and he cannot deliver himself, nor say, “Is there not a lie in my right hand?”

____________________

I have loved this story. It has been one of my favorites. I have laughed and said to myself and others, “Doesn’t God have a sense of humor?” I have thought, “the FOOLS!

How can they be so stupid?"

___________________

I have sat for YEARS under the preaching of a gifted man, I have heard the true, convicting WORD of GOD expounded upon countless times. I have sincerely BELIEVED that I loved God and hated sin while I sat in my pew in my 325 lb body and took communion and smugly prayed, mostly for OTHERS.

__________________

Sadly, this Old Testament passage is no longer funny to me. I don’t shake my head, roll my eyes and say, “Idiots! Can you not SEE?”

I WEEP as I write these words and I plead, “God! FORGIVE ME for being SO BLIND to my own sin for so long!” and I beg Him to finish what He has begun in me. I beg Him to continue breaking me, and I THANK Him for his mercy, His loving-kindness, His gentleness and most of all for His LONG-SUFFERING patience with me, His most wretched child!

_

Hey, About That Fat...

Well THAT was depressing!

SO, I have decided to get on with it.

This is me... getting on with it.

I finally did it.

Well, yesterday afternoon, when Lauren was in misery, I went through my biggest stack of old church notes.

It was as wierd as I expected it to be.

The most significant thought that I had was... how difficult it must be for men of God to preach God's precious Word week after week after month after month after year to the same sedentary lumps, and see relatively few results.

Maybe it's just me.

I know this is nothing new, thank you Solomon, people have been responding much the same way to God's Word since He began giving it, but it was an eye-opener for me to see how long it has taken me to get this far... I mean, I KNEW it had been a long, long time, but to see it in writing... !

I've said it before and I'll say it again, God is merciful, gracious, long-suffering, gentle, kind, and so faithful!

"Even though we be unfaithful, HE remains faithful... for He cannot deny Himself." I don't know the reference, but that's pretty close.

Thank you God, my loving Heavenly Father!

I found it... in "drafts" ... and since I was afraid of it, I know I MUST post it.

I actually HAVE been thinking about starting this. Unfortunately, the things that I am really passionate about writing are the most recent things I have learned and if I write them first, it would really mess with the whole "series of events" and, yeah... I still need to get into my stacks... you know, bottom first. But that is all going to take so much time.



Sigh....



The most important thing I am learning this week is that, lately, every time my mind is idle and begins its' incessant blathering I realize that; a) I am either wasting time focusing on unimportant drivel or b) I am being judgemental and/or trivial and that *I* am just as bad , if not worse, than the poor soul my mind was just focused on or c) I remember that I started out praying and, once again, ended up back HERE - and I just end up apologizing to God for my pathetic pride or what a reject I am... and even though it feels really crummy, I am happy, because it means that He is still working on me. It's so incredible that He even chose me.



...



Once I asked the Lord to show me my faults, and since then, I have yet to see anything good in myself.



God is amazing.



It's like Jake says... We are so used to comparing ourselves to other people, and feeling pretty decent about who we are, but CHRIST is the standard!

I can never get over that. I can never forget that.

I will never even come close to attaining it, but it's so much more worthy a goal than any I have had up til now... and I can spend the rest of my life reaching for it.

Why blog - when I've avoided it for this long?

wow.

So freaky to be starting one of these. I have always felt that it would be such a waste of my time.

Recently, however, I have come to understand the importance of writing things down. I learn so much better when I am forced to put thoughts into words and then place them somewhere. It kind of solidifies them in my head.

I have stacks and stacks of papers floating around my house (mostly on my dresser) that I have saved for "someday", when I would look through them again and remember why they were so important to save. Almost all of them are things that God has taught me that I never want to forget... I do not have to want to learn them again! So I have scribbled down brief memos of them - to reflect on later.

Unfortunately, there never seems to be time to get to it. ... okay, I never MAKE time to get to it. But I am realising that I am beginning to forget some of them. They are beginning to cool on the back burner of my mind, and I must GET TO THEM... before they are lost to me.

I have learned so much, and have so much more to learn.

I have decided that it is a pity to keep them to myself. We are supposed to share the monumental lessons of life, aren't we? That is why they were given to us.


So... I am going delve into my stacks of snippets... into the depths of my very soul. It will not be easy.

Some of them I will just write here exactly the way I find them. That part should be fun!

Some I will cry over, others will make me chuckle : ). I plan to spend much time, deep reflection and study on others to reaffirm the lessons I have learned in the past.

I vow not to forget.

... and maybe, just maybe, someone who needs to read these thoughts will happen upon this tiny dark corner of the world and be encouraged... and maybe even learn something themselves.